I Own A Record!

Yeah, I know, but I didn't before...but the label sent over lots of Queen records for Freddie's birthday and the music director made sure I got one. Yay! So now I can be one of those people who walk around and say things like, "well obviously if you want to experience the classic albums as they were meant to be you can only do that on vinyl," or "really, if you know how to listen to it, new vinyl does actually sound better than a digital recrding," or hahahahahahaaaaaaaa no. Those things are best said from behind ironic facial hair, and anyway I actually avoid those people (because you kids don't advocate for antennas over HDTV, so really? Who are we trying to fool here, eh?). And while I have nothing against the records themselves (I actually love the smell, is that weird?), well, I just plum don't know how to work 'em.

And I work at a radio station! Actually, I worked for a station that still has a Vinyl Cut feature. Yes with real records. Some of which happen to be stored in the studio where we have our writing meetings for my current station, so the one thing I do know how to do with a record is to make a Pope hat out of the white liner jacket. Because when everyone runs out of punchlines, it's time for props, obviously. If I had known about this as a teenager I would have been soooo into the vinyl resurgence. Pope hats! I have photographic evidence of this that I am banned from posting because one of the other prods is a sourpants. And my new record is too new to have the liner so there will be none forthcoming. But trust me, Pope hats--who else has done this? I mean, not necessarily at your jobs, but I don't know what you guys do all day, so maybe? If not, totally do this at your jobs.

I like the nostalgic idea of vinyl, but it's a strange kind of nostalgia because it's for something that I imagine. I like the clicks and pops and scratches and whatnot, but maybe because they're so alien? See, I love the whole, "and then my parents used to put on their old records and dance," but that only occurred in my Alternate Universe Childhood where my parents exposed us to the music they liked (hand to god I did not know who the Rolling Stones were until I was in college...truly share your passions with your children, people).
I did have records, though. I had a Rainbow Brite one and I think my parents lit a candle and said Hail Marys praying for the day it wore out, because how many times can you listen to this without going insane:



I have not heard this song in 25 years. And I just sang every word. That's how bad.

But apparently we had the Cadillac of record players: all you did was flip the switch to Play and everything happened automatically. It's like I grew up with one of those asinine cars that parallel parks itself. So I did not learn how to fend for myself in that regard. And did you know you do not have to listen to a record all the way from start to finish? Because I did not! Not until about a year or so ago, and I still can't tell where one song ends and another begins. And although Temple is a seriously technical school when it comes to media majors, they didn't think it was necessary that my skill set included How To Play A Record. I told someone at work this, and he gave me the Don't-Say-Ironic-Haha-I'm-So-Young!-Things-It's-Annoying Face.

But you know what I did learn how to work? A Studer:

Hi!

This bitch plays and edits reels of tape--with razors! That's right, they give production people razor blades to do their jobs. Or at least they did. We now have computer programs, so there's no need for razors. And I've never needed to use it professionally, just in college as part of an "LOL Nostalgia!" lesson or two. But man I sure know how. That one up there is in my studio right now, and is even still hooked up. I love having it there because of course I throw it around to prove my cred: "well, I know that thing is older than me, but YEAH I know how to work it." I don't actually have any razors for it (exhale, sales department), but still, the badassery is possible. Records, maybe someday, I mean I own one now I have to get something to play it with. But THIS is one dead technology I can work like a boss.