SPOILER ALERT: Men Don't Actually Want Funny Ladies After All

Or at least a great deal of men who talked to The Gloss don't. I love The Gloss, and Jennifer Wright was right, her Real Talk slideshow was definitely the most depressing thing I read all day. Not that I wasn't already pretty certain what the answers would be, just from personal experience.

The worst guys in the slideshow are the ones who think they really do like funny women--or try really hard to sound like they do because they feel like they should, but then their words betray them:

I'd definitely prefer to date a woman with a good sense of humor. The only reason I date anymore is to have stories to entertain my friends with, so even better if she can laugh at them, too.

Carl! You're sneaky! You make it sound like you would love to be with a lady who is funny but it turns out you define female humor as laughing at YOUR jokes! I see what you did there. Extra points for the "whatever I don't want girls anyway" fakeout. Actually, the idea that "I'd love a funny woman who will laugh at my jokes AND THEN if she makes me laugh too, that's a bonus" crops up a lot. I do not think this word means what you think it means, boys; even Siri will laugh at your jokes.

I Don't Come Down To Where You Work And Knock The Johnson Out Of Your Mouth

But maybe I should. Seriously! One of you is even doing it wrong, all of you stop it.  Also, chocolate ice cream, Rick Santorum? Isn't your CIA bodyguard supposed to jump in front of you before this happens, or is this some kind of subversive signal to a whole 'nother kind of Base?

PS now that we've got photographic evidence that the only thing that's bipartisan is the eating of phallic foodstuffs, can we please stop talking about how it's sexist?

An Alternate Interpretation of The Most Sexist Ad of All Time

Because uuugh for the thousandth time I have to get mad about this exact same thing that hasn't really changed but just gotten more subtle over the past 60 years. But I mean listen to the music cues: sure she ended up at the airport, but on her way there she was clearly foiling a Soviet plot to take over America, and they can't show that because of national security etc, but obviously this woman is A BADASS SECRET SPY. And when she slides over so that her misogynist (cover!) husband can drive, she's all, "HA! You're WELCOME. Sucker."

Why I Don't Lie About Being Single

Last week, after an appearance, I found myself asking the question I'm sure women whose jobs entail meeting lots of strangers ask themselves at some point:  should I just wear a fake engagement ring already?  99 percent of the guys who were at the place were nice and fun and etc, but it was a singles mixer so of course it brought out the Predators. The ones who just won't take no. The ones who can't comprehend that a woman who is there working is not there to meet singles. Which would have been the antithesis of my actual function at said mixer, which was to facilitate the hooking-up of other singles. That would have been like a waiter taking a bite of the cheesecake before taking it out to the table (I mean, there was a cover charge. I can't swoop in for free and take all the men.  Plus I ate the free buffet, so I had already stolen enough for one night).

Is It Okay That I Don't Really Care About Kate Middleton Anymore?

Chris Pizzello/AP Photo via ABC News

Wils and Kate have completed their tour of The Colonies, and are back in England by now, so, confession: after all of it; the dresses! the funny hats with Canada leaves! the inevitable upskirt wardrobe malfunction!  the only thing I can think of is...ugh, still?

This Is Not A Picture Of Me

Although seriously don't I look good?  Wait, no.