A Round of Applause For The Rapturers

source: familyradio.com

[Please read before 6pm on Saturday.]


Dear Crazy Rapture Wingnuts,

Don't get me wrong, I sincerely hope you're right about Saturday.  I hope every single one of you is taken up to Heaven to meet Jesus (oh, to overhear THAT conversation.)  Meanwhile, down on Earth, the rest of us will be writhing in a terrible agony of gay marriage, reproductive freedom, orgies, evolution-teaching, being okay with Muslim people, health care reform, and in some cases shelfish-eating--ah, Leviticus.  See, you've been trying to scare us for thousands of years, but honestly this is a win-win for everybody.  We get to live out our progressive egalitarian-utopian dreams, and we don't have to hear you whine about how it's really Sharia Law.  Imagine all the people, living life in peace, etc.  So believe me I would like it if this whole shebang went off.

But look at me saying "if."  You're CERTAIN!  So certain, in fact, that all your signs clearly state that "the Bible guarantees it."  I saved some proof off of Buzzfeed. Guarantees!  You've left yourself with absolutely no exit strategy on this one, so you must be really, really certain.  Even your superheroes used to have an exit strategy.  Wasn't there some story about how everyone was like, Elijah, have your god make stuff blow up if he's real, and he was all, sure if that'll prove it to you, and then there was nothing?  And then Elijah was like, oh he just talked to me in my brain and said he's taping Oprah's last show right now so he can't but you shouldn't need proof you pussies; and that was that.  Or maybe it was Elisha; who actually reads the Bible anyway?  My point is, exit strategy.

So, since I make a point to applaud courage in whichever form it takes, I sing of thee, Rapturers.  I feel like I should put on one of those tiny hats so that it could then be off to the sheer amount of cojones required to actually, FINALLY put your money where your Bible is.  Before, it was always the angry heathen rabble demanding proof that the Bible was literally true (see above re, Eliwhomever).  But this time around, you're waving a challenge in our faces.  And a pretty big challenge it is.

So I'll take it.  Come Saturday, May 21st, 6pm local time, I will faithfully anticipate the Rapture.  Until that time, I promise to believe that LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE WORD of the Bible is the absolute Word of God that he wrote himself with a feather he plucked out of the most beautiful angel's ass.  And if even ONE SOUL disappears without a trace, I will immediately take to The Internets and blog about how you were right.  You won't be around to do it, and let's face it, neither I nor The Internets are going anywhere.

However, at 6:30pm, if everyone still seems Earthbound and mortal-coiled, you will begin to rethink the biblical absolutism.  Because, really, I don't know how you're backing out of this one.  After all those "the Bible Guarantees May 21st 2011"  billboards, buses, signs, and radio specials, there's no taking this one back.  So you can start by admitting to yourselves that the Bible was wrong about the Rapture.  Then, gradually, and because y'all tend not to be the most physically- or mentally-fit you can do it slowly so you don't sprain anything, you can think about some of the other things it might not be all that correct about.  Like gay people.  Or shellfish.  Or the fun kinds of sex.  I know it might take awhile to come around to Lady GaGa, so I'll give you that one for now.

But that's the deal.  Have your Rapture. By all means. But if you don't get your Rapture, we get our Enlightenment back.

(via Cindy Hepner,/The News of Cumberland County)

Deal?