The Muppets' Happy Song

"I feel like we should do a musical number right now."

"We haven't seen a happy movie in a looong time."

That was what you would have heard if you had heard us talking outside the theater after the screening of The Muppets, all of us mid-to late twenties or early thirties. We had been Muppet fans as kids of course, but none of us had the perfect-excuse-to-be-at-a-PG movie (a child). We did have the second best, though: "I got these tickets from work and this is a station screening so I am at work right now." While we were waiting for it to start, we chatted about the movies we'd recently seen. This involved a stilted discussion of Shame that had to be conducted completely in euphemisms, because we were surrounded by 8-year-olds. Although I suspect they know what johnson means. So basically, we had our world-weary cynicism jackets on, and zipped up to our necks. One of us even had a moment of: merciful god, this is a musical wtf. Brr.

We were worried for a second there: when the trailer came out with its jokes about fart shoes, we started to get worried.

But it's okay! The Muppets is great!

If You Liked Immortals, You Owe It To Yourself to Watch The Fall

Between Immortals winning the box office and the trailer for Mirror Mirror, that other Snow White movie, hitting the internet today, director Tarsem Singh is having a moment. I love this man, he makes absolutely gorgeous movies.

I knew I was going to see Immortals as soon as it opened, even if the reviews weren't great, because I knew it would look phenomenal, and I wanted it to be ten feet tall in front of me--and in 3D! Whatever else is ever said about Tarsem Singh, the man knows how to take a freakin' picture. Every shot of Immortals was intricate and beautiful. Even the gore was exquisite (And the 3D is great for a change).

Yes, Roger Ebert was right, Immortals is "the best looking awful movie you will ever see." For the record I didn't think it was awful, but it isn't great.  What IS great, and also exquisite, and also phenomenal, is another Tarsem Singh movie, The Fall.

Amusingly Horrible Things That Have Been Said During Pick Up Attempts, In No Particular Order

...By Him

"We could go see Harry Potter. And if there was, like, kissing and stuff, that would be nice. I mean if you want." [Officer, I did not know he was 12. He was in a bar!]

"How old are you? Oh good you're in my range. It's 25- to 39-ish. [For what?] For dinner"

"My goal is to talk to you for a while and then another goal is to maybe have your phone number eventually."--Goals!

"So? I hate the radio."--In response to me finally telling him what I do for a living, after avoiding the questions and changing the subject a hundred times.

The 3,000 Mile Bath

People go on vacations to do things they don't get to do in their everyday life. Climb mountains. Snorkel the reefs. Run with the Bulls. Finally have good diction when they're slowly shouting English phrases at people in foreign countries.

What do you go on vacation to do? I take baths.

I live in a studio apartment which has a walk-in closet and as a trade off, a tiny bathroom. It's practically a ship's head. Every year I work at Campout for Hunger and I'm always amazed that the RV's bathroom is bigger than mine. Actually, last year the RV had more square feet than my apartment and I thought about just living in Wal Mart parking lots because at least the RV had a washer-dryer. But my tiny bathroom has a very small shower that some gentlemen callers have not been able to shower properly in, and no tub. So no baths.

But but but where do you go to cry with wine, you're asking? I know, I KNOW. I have to have my good cries on the sofa like a ridiculous person.

Just As You (Horrifyingly) Are

Let's all hang out with Mindy Kaling and cry about stuff! That's what girl friends do when they hang out, right? I'm a little out of practice. How glad are you that Glamour.com and  Crown, the publisher and now NPR have excerpts of Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me posted? Now you can have all the fun for free that everyone else who has hard-cover-book-amounts-of-money gets to have! (Obviously you'll buy the book eventually, but you just can't right now and why do things have to cost money and not charm?)

So, in the NPR excerpt, "Non-Traumatic Things That Have Made Me Cry," Mindy confirms two things that I have always believed to be true: it is impossible not to have a huge crush on Colin Firth, and everyone gets misty at the part in Bridget Jones' Diary when Mark Darcy says, "I like you. Very much. Just as you are." But, um, the second thing maybe not for the same reason?

Sensible Things to Do With Your Leftover Halloween Candy (and Perfectly Reasonable Excuses for Not Doing Them)

1. Bring it in to work--If you do this you'll still eat most of it yourself since you will spontaneously have ninety reasons to walk right by the lunchroom. And also, won't your coworkers be thinking, "these 50,000 calories aren't good enough for her but she's fine with all of us putting on ten pounds?" Faux pas.

2. Throw it out--Waste! Your mother never took your advice to just mail your leftover peas to Those Poor Starving Girls In China, so they're probably still starving. And we just hit 7 billion people, so we should probably start hoarding resources, even if those resources are Reese's Cups.