2. Throw it out--Waste! Your mother never took your advice to just mail your leftover peas to Those Poor Starving Girls In China, so they're probably still starving. And we just hit 7 billion people, so we should probably start hoarding resources, even if those resources are Reese's Cups.
3. Return unopened bags to the store--Well isn't this impossible, since you always open ALL of the bags and dump them into a big serving bowl so as to look to the strangers' children like a benevolent, proper grown-up hostess lady. What kind of person gives out candy straight out of the bag? A creep, according to Emily Post, probably.
4. Put it in a bowl and put it out on the stoop--This was probably a better idea at the end of last night when the trick-or-treaters started to get thin. Now you'll just look like you're one windowless van away from being a child molester, and don't you already feel like the neighborhood thinks you're a witch?
5. Give it to a homeless person--Really? If you were homeless, would this be the kind of generosity you wanted? Of course not. Unless you also have lots of leftover Halloween drugs.
6. Save it until Christmas and use it for stocking stuffing--hahahahahaha like it would ever last that long.
7. Eat it mindfully, keeping to the actual serving size and factoring the calories into your daily budget--Really, is the guilt from the inevitable failure even worth an attempt at this? Of course not.
Well that's settled! Scientific proof that the safest way to dispose of Halloween candy is to just mainline that stuff until it's gone as quickly as possible.
Image: Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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