Amusingly Horrible Things That Have Been Said During Pick Up Attempts, In No Particular Order

...By Him

"We could go see Harry Potter. And if there was, like, kissing and stuff, that would be nice. I mean if you want." [Officer, I did not know he was 12. He was in a bar!]

"How old are you? Oh good you're in my range. It's 25- to 39-ish. [For what?] For dinner"

"My goal is to talk to you for a while and then another goal is to maybe have your phone number eventually."--Goals!

"So? I hate the radio."--In response to me finally telling him what I do for a living, after avoiding the questions and changing the subject a hundred times.

"Haha yeah RIGHT."--After I asked "how do you know this isn't my boyfriend?" as I was sharing a table with my male friend who is African-American.

"I hate asking you this, since I know how everybody hates their jobs and just gets mad when I ask, but what do you do?"

"You're so beautiful" x100.--It's nice and all, but he literally just. kept. saying it. prompting my friend to hilariously respond with "We KNOW, ok?"

"I'd like to invite you to my mansion. In GLADWYNE."--That was his opener. He looked like Phil Spector. He would not stop staring after we said no. I firmly believe if we had gone we would have been locked in the basement.

"Since my son died when he was an infant, I always wonder if when I get to heaven he'll be a baby, or if he'll have grown up in heaven and we can, like, hang out."--I just met you!


...By Me

"No, I swear I'm only talking to you for the attention." [To be fair, this was not me, this was The Rum Sociopath and it was 4am. And he thought I was being coy! I was not.]

"Listen, Sweatpants, I'm gonna give you a success tip. First, the sweatpants."

"I don't eat."--A simple No Thank You to dinner would have been more polite I guess.

"I would never go out with anybody who goes to this place."--A place I am in, so obviously I go to this place.

"But you have a windbreaker tied around your waist."--I seem to have a problem with casual wear.

"I roofied that drink."--Turns out this is actually a good pickup line if your intent is to sleep with the hot 25-year-old guitar player in the band you just saw. A gift from me to you!


Anybody else got any gems?