Dec 23, 2011

In Defense of The Neti: There are Scarier Ways To Get A Brain Amoeba



The neti pot has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly from Health Department Warnings about it because three people got brain amoebas from using them and died horrifically. Brain amoebas! I always thought if my neti pot killed me it would be by me accidentally drowning myself. However, it's not the neti pot itself that gives people brain amoebas, it's the act of getting water up your nose if that water happens to already contain a brain amoeba.

SO! Absolutely use distilled or treated water in your neti pot. And still use it, unless you're too afraid, because it's awesome.

Because, turns out there are lots and lots of ways to get water up your nose! Here are some things to be afraid of:

1. Swimming.

2. Being told a really funny joke and while you're drinking water and shooting water out of your nose.

3. Washing your face too enthusiastically.

4. Getting hit in the face during a water-gun fight (Summer)/snowball fight (Winter).

5. Being a jerk at a bar and getting a drink thrown in your face.

6. Mishap with a detachable shower head.

7. Being a contestant on America's Next Top Model.

Where did the brain amoeba come from? When will it get its own horror franchise? Is this new? Is it global warming/smiting (depending upon your relationship to logic/god), or is it the beginning of the zombie apocalypse? And should we just wear nose plugs everywhere, forever?



Jimmy Kimmel Turned My Parents Into Hipsters




So uploading videos of you giving your kids crap gifts is a thing now? Please. PLEASE. People, my parents are the hipsters of crap gifts: they were doing it WAY before it was cool. And man were they good at it--your half-eaten baloney sandwich is great and all, but, grasshopper, you have much to learn.

Not to say every gift was horrible--the stunningly out-of-left-field bagpipe chanter remains the Greatest Unasked-For Gift in history. But in our house Christmas was always a time of year for brilliant psychological warfare.

Dec 20, 2011

The Boots of The Round Table



If there is ever a magical future version of Camelot, where brave knights achieve great feats and go on heroic quests to earn their place at the renowned Round Table and sit beside their sovereign as equals, they will not get in by slaying dragons or finding swords in lakes. NO, all the knights will be ladies, and those ladies will have successfully bought a pair of boots.

Women's boot shopping is the modern-day equivalent of the Hero's Quest: you will face great odds, there will be many trials, you will doubt yourself and your god--it is the most frustrating and often demoralizing experience on Earth.

This is because boots are not created to be worn by any living woman, ever. They are made for martians with very large, very flat feet and teeny-tiny, reed-thin calves! Calves that are so thin (I imagine) they would snap if forced to bear any weight. At any given moment of the day, there are no less than three women sitting in shoe stores with puzzled looks on their faces and boots zipped only as far as their ankles. Seriously WHO are these women zipping up some of these boots? Anyone who has ever worn a heel before has a calf muscle.

Dec 9, 2011

I Want An IKEA Boyfriend

Dear Santa, for Christmas this year will you bring me an Ikea Boyfriend?

I'm starting to realize that my job/schedule/lifestyle/selfishness/compulsion to eat peanut butter straight from the jar precludes my having the full on boyfriend-boyfriend experience. Yes, this is largely the same logic I use, re: a dog. Which is fine, I like my unwavering devotion to working out every day and the fact that there are no Doritos in my house. Besides, holiday parties, cold winter nights, shoveling out from under two feet of snow? All things that would be made unbearably worse if there was a significant other tagging along, no?

What I want is a man-person whose sole responsibility is to come with me when I go to Ikea: an Ikea Boyfriend. Because Ikea is a place you really shouldn't go to without a partner.

Okay, sometimes being the only single person in Ikea is fun. You can give smug looks to the young couple arguing over "but WHICH throw pillow covers!" Smug looks that say, "well, I guess there are three of us who definitely aren't getting laid tonight! But at least I can buy whichever throw pillow cover I darn well please."

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...