My Strange Love OR: How I Learned to Stop Sniffling and Love the Neti Pot

I am the worst sick person in the world. I have stood in the middle of our work cafeteria and cried because the only thing I wanted was chicken soup and it was not chicken soup day. I have protested loudly that "no one can keep me from going home early I am SICK!" to coworkers whose only thought was that the crazy lady should crawl into her bed as quickly as possible and stop infecting everyone. I have driven myself--sick--miles out of my way in search of the only place to get takeout matzo ball soup (I'm Irish). I have insisted on watching The English Patient over and over again, because in my delirium I forget why I hate it and besides it won all those awards and now I really do have five hours to sit and watch it...

In the absence of a thermometer, the severity of my fever can be accurately measured by determining the likelihood of me watching The English Patient. From, "well I've always had a thing for Naveen Andrews" (mild) to "maybe I haven't really given it a proper chance" (hospital).

But there's one thing I do when I'm sick that is absolutely the best: I reach for my neti pot.

WHY does this one look like a wang.

At this point you're having one of two reactions: ugh you put water up your nose on purpose that is revolting! Or: yeah, neti pot, high five! It's definitely one of those things where you just completely do not understand why anyone would ever do such a thing, until you do. I was certain I'd be in the former camp forever--I still hold my nose in the pool because, ew water up your nose. It took me many years, many MANY sinus infections, AND a job that requires me to consistently sound like a person who Is Not Dying to finally become desperate enough to try anything to breathe again.

There's a reason why every time someone mentions a neti pot, people come out of the wood work going, "oh my god I love mine! Use it every day! Makes everything smell like Jesus and peace!" and you sit there going, "you people sound like you're in a cult:" because it gets you exactly like a cult.

Imagine you've got a raging headcold, so bad that all you want to do is cry and eat soup and watch The English Patient and you can't even remember what it was like when your eyes opened all the way and air went into your lungs without you having to will it there. Imagine someone comes along--someone you know, or kind of know at work, or see on facebook from time to time who seems like they know a thing or two for example Oprah, and this person promises you that they can make you feel like a human being again. Instantly. Not in a week, not after a z-pack and a course of antibiotics (which you wouldn't even take because the Google results of "wine interaction with amoxicillin" are inconclusive). Instantly.

Now, there are tons of things that can go horribly, horribly wrong when you go to use it. And these things would cause a non-sick person whose reasoning faculties are still about them to run. But of course everything that can go wrong can be directly attributed to user error. It's not the neti pot that heated the water to a temperature that was one degree hotter or colder than the precise temperature of the nasal membrame! That agony/burning/stroke is your own doing, since it's been so long since you've been sick and you forgot how you accidentally did this right last time. Make your excuses! Even when you accidentally almost drown yourself because your head isn't at the right angle--you'll know it was really almost drowning when you cough up water (PS, yup, waterboarding is torture!)!

But when you do it right it's easy. You can even watch demonstration videos narrated by nice ladies, featuring other nice ladies who look like your librarian. [Sidebar: WHAT is the trend of everybody posting their own neti pot video? It's like hippy planking.] You don't really feel anything because the water is the same temperature as everything in your nose, and the saline mix makes it milder, and it really does just go in and come out again. Really, you'll only feel like you're going to die, like, one percent of the time. Besides you'll forgive the evil thing the second it works exactly as it should, and you go from snifflemonster back to human in half a minute flat.