It's Fall Premiere time! Have you gone through Entertainment Weekly's grids as if they were puppy adoption pages, wondering which new shows looked cute enough to bring home? Have you sat with HuffPo's "shows to watch" slide show and a glass of wine and agreed and/or disagreed? No? But it's commitment time! Who will you love? Who will you finally break up with because you've finally realized that loving them isn't enough and they'll never again be what you fell in love with (sorry, Desperate Housewives, it's not me it's you)? There's only so much space in your heart and on your DVR. Choose now!Today in the DVR Thunderdome we have Ringer, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Bridget, who pretends to be her twin sister Siobhan (also SMG), who just commited suicide, versus New Girl, starring Zooey Deschanel and attempting to answer the age old question: what if a girl moves in with three dudes, and also she's exactly like every character Zooey Deschanel has ever played? Ladies, and your shows, prepare to battle to the death over the Tuesday 9PM DVR Slot 2. Slot 1 is already permanently reserved for the Dancing With the Stars Results Show. Don't you judge me.
Battle on!
Star Loyalty:
New Girl: Zooey Deschanel was the only good thing about Failure to Launch, so she has a track record of being the one shiny spot on a turd. Also, as someone who self-identifies with her character Summer from (500)Days of Summer, I feel like I should be present to defend the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, if only to my couch cushions.
Ringer: It's Buffy! It's TWO Buffy's!
Winner: Sorry, Buffy, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl needs more defenders. New Girl.
Nerd Cred:
New Girl: Pretty high-level Lord of The Rings joke by a lady character without any sense of irony. Pretty boss.
Ringer: See above re: it being Buffy.
Winner: LOTR jokes! New Girl.
Fish-Out-Of Water Fun:
New Girl: living with three awkward dudes
Ringer: stealing your sister's life of penthouses, opera benefits, gorgeous gowns, and severe buns.
Winner: As the only gal among dudes of varying levels of awkwardness virtually every second of the day already, I'm going to have to go with the consumption porn. Ringer.
Potential For Musical Numbers:
New Girl: Besides the fact that she has her own band, She & Him, Zooey does the theme song and it's on after Glee. Aside from her character's habit of making up songs to sing to herself, can a full-blown sing-out be far behind? Potential very high!
Ringer: Not that we didn't all adore the "Once More With Feeling" episode of Buffy, but....potential very low.
Winner: Ringer. Not that I don't love bursting into song at inappropriate times myself, but I already have all I can stand with Glee right now.
BFFs:
New Girl: Jess hates living with her friend the model and all her friends are models and FRENEMIES! Said model friends so far only show up to dress Jess and turn down the sexual advances of the dudes.
Ringer: Bridget has no friends and Siobhan is sleeping with her best friend's husband and CAN WE PLEASE STOP DOING THE THING WHERE ALL THE WOMEN HATE EACH OTHER?!?!?!?
Winner: No one. In fact, everybody loses. Everybody on Earth.
Man Eye Candy, and Potential for Sex Scenes Through Which to Live Vicariously:
New Girl: Hot Asian Guy turned out to be a juicebox, and we all know you're not allowed to be sexy and also funny in TV land.
Ringer: Ioan Gruffud as Siobhan's husband, Kristoffer Polaha as her lover, and Nestor Carbonell brought along his superhuman eyelashes. It's on the CW so there's no chance of True-Blood-style sexytimes, but the network is practically Cinemax for teenagers half the time, so steaminess at least is guaranteed.
Winner: At least it's only ten and a half months until True Blood comes back on
Female Lead Badassery:
New Girl: Jess is generally pretty helpless at life and has to be reminded to shave her legs ("and the back!") by a man. Ugh.
Ringer: SMG plays TWO badasses, and already had a kick-ass fight scene in the pilot. Plus, it seems like both sisters are liars, each trying to use the other to get what she wants.
Winner: SMG will kick my ass twice if this point doesn't go to Ringer.
What I'm Ultimately Coming Home To On Tuesday Nights:
New Girl: Boys take care of me for a change because I'm helpless, and also yay ironic detachment!
Ringer: This life I picked is harder to pull off than I anticipated, and also OMG conspiracy!
Winner: New Girl because that generalization of Ringer could be my life anyway.
AND THE DVR SLOT GOES TO:...tie. Tie?!?! See what happens when strong supporting female characters and sexytimes are a draw? Maybe one of them will come up with an awesome supportive ladyfriend, or maybe Ian Somerhalder will crossover/guest star on Ringer and decide to take a bath and then we'll finally have a victor...Until then it'll come down to who's more Hulu-, Fancast-, OnDemand-able.
Up Next: the Grey's/Runway/Jersey Shore Battle Royale...
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