SPOILER ALERT: Men Don't Actually Want Funny Ladies After All

Or at least a great deal of men who talked to The Gloss don't. I love The Gloss, and Jennifer Wright was right, her Real Talk slideshow was definitely the most depressing thing I read all day. Not that I wasn't already pretty certain what the answers would be, just from personal experience.

The worst guys in the slideshow are the ones who think they really do like funny women--or try really hard to sound like they do because they feel like they should, but then their words betray them:

I'd definitely prefer to date a woman with a good sense of humor. The only reason I date anymore is to have stories to entertain my friends with, so even better if she can laugh at them, too.

Carl! You're sneaky! You make it sound like you would love to be with a lady who is funny but it turns out you define female humor as laughing at YOUR jokes! I see what you did there. Extra points for the "whatever I don't want girls anyway" fakeout. Actually, the idea that "I'd love a funny woman who will laugh at my jokes AND THEN if she makes me laugh too, that's a bonus" crops up a lot. I do not think this word means what you think it means, boys; even Siri will laugh at your jokes.


And then of course like moths to flames, the juiceboxes come to talk "science":

Funniness is stereotypically a male trait, not a female trait. So when women say they want a man with a sense of humor, that is a proxy for desiring an indicator of manliness.

Uh-oh, did you just make a joke, lady? Now Fred cannot tell if you're actually a lady at all. Why are you acting like a man? Why is being attracted to you making Fred have strange conflicting feelings inside?

I don't want a woman to have too great of a sense of humor because I like to be the funny, clever one.

Bob is obviously neither of those things.

I'm not about to drag that poor Are Women Funny horse up out of it's grave to beat it. This is not about whether women are funny. The majority aren't! The majority of men aren't, either. Most people are not funny. No, the question posed to these dudes is, "say you find a woman is actually, verifiably funny. Do you want her?" And for the most part the answer is NO.

All of these are cleverly juxtaposed with glamor shots of your Tina Feys, your Anna Farises, your Kristen Wiigs. So you read these horrible things and then you look at poor, poor, gorgeous, naked Kristen Wiig laying sexily in a pile of leaves and you just feel bad for her, because nothing good will ever happen to her, ever.

Look, I get it! I do, I understand. Because, the Ladies: they are terrifying.

I mean look at us. Our hair always smells nice. We've invented a diabolically illogical system with which to involuntarily test you whereby your clothes either "match" or "do not match." And that's before we even open our mouths. Add to that a girl who can keep a table of your friends in stitches, and it's a wonder there isn't a horror genre completely devoted to such a frightening idea.

Obviously this is not all dudes. But lots of dudes do not want a funny lady. And that's fine! It actually works out great for me, because I don't want an insecure jerk with no sense of humor. Everybody wins! It's not like I'm going to change who I am because it's not some peoples flavor. If you can't crack up yourself, how are you ever gonna crack up somebody else? Or something. Whatever, I'll just be the funniest cat lady there ever was.