Ma Google

Hey, Guy Whose Son Thinks Your iPhone is His Mother, I can beat that:  I'm actively being parented by Google.
For various-and-absolutely-reasonable reasons, I don't have any contact with my actual biological parents (and that's also all I'll say about that).  But really, what am I missing out on that I can't replicate with a little typing?

Someone to take care of me when I'm sick? "H-o-w t-o b-r-i-n-g d-o-w-n a f-e-v-e-r."  Actually, that search started with "do I have a fever," and then WebMD--which is the combined wisdom of everyone else's mother plus their hypochondriac aunt--told me that if I have to Google it, I probably do.  But, thanks to Mama G, I finally learned which one it is that you starve (Cold or fever?  Neither!)

Google even brings me comfort food: "M-u-r-r-a-y-'s T-a-k-e O-u-t M-e-n-u."  Hello, I'd like your largest matzoh ball soup, to go, please.  See? I want for nothing.  Not even, it seems, a Jewish Grandmother.  Which, PS, we don't have nearly enough of in my Irish-German gene pool.

Someone to teach me basic life skills?  Done. "H-o-w t-o h-e-m p-a-n-t-s."  Come to think of it, this post is pointing out glaring deficiencies in my education.  "H-o-w t-o d-e-f-r-o-s-t a f-r-e-e-z-e-r."  "H-o-w t-o c-l-e-a-n a-n o-v-e-n."  "H-o-w t-o c-o-o-k v-e-g-e-t-a-b-l-e-s."  Seriously, did no one even attempt to raise me?

And now, with Google instant search, it even interrupts me--just like a real-life mom!  No, Google, I wasn't searching for "continuing EDUCATION," I had an XBox question.  And for the last time, no, I'm not going to law school.

There is a point where Google and my actual mother diverge.  They have different definitions of the term, "selfish little monster":

...and not a single picture of me came up.  hmm.

Lest you think my electronic upbringing is in a single-digital-parent household: GMail is my dad.  Rather, Priority Inbox by GMail is my dad.  Did you know it congratulates you when you've read everything in your priority inbox?  "Woohoo!  You've read all you important messages."  Attention to and acknowledgment for having my priorities in order AND a high-five for a small achievement?  Gee, thanks, Dad!