Feb 16, 2012

Feminist Women On The Moon

Everyone, I think it's time we got out. When Planned Parenthood (and also Nancy Pelosi) tweeted that photo of a sausage fest testifying to congress about women's rights to have control over their own bodies, I was so speechless with rage I almost clawed my own eyes out. Self harm! It's no good. Look, we've tried. We marched, we yelled, we begged we pleaded, we cajoled and we patiently explained.  And after a hundred years a group of men sit in front of the body that will determine whether women have a right to take medicine, and everybody's all, "U mad?

I think it's time to put that plan into action...you know, the one we were talking about the last time we were drinking whiskey and braiding each other's hair?  Let's find whatever moon colony plans Newt Gingrich has been able to work on and steal them to build our own feminists-only moonbase.

I acknowledge how Ayn Rand/John Galt-y this plan is. But read what I wrote up there in the beginning. Self harm! A hundred years and we're back outside banging on the doors? And nobody can even conceive how that might be a problem? We need to just gather our bats and gloves--and uteri since that's all anybody cares about ever!--and get out of Dodge. 


We could probably pull off Operation Moonbase in a year, tops. I mean, a lot of us are women, so none of us will be so distracted by the existence of a member of the opposite sex that we become useless for several hours a day. 

We'll have to remember to stockpile all the contraceptives that no one in America will have access to soon enough. How great is it going to be when there are no starving or abandoned children, or kids who are abused or neglected by parents who didn't want them, since we'll be able to determine the size of our families and have kids when we can provide them the great financially-secure life they deserve! Ironically, if we can get all that contraband birth control that no one will be allowed to use in America anymore, we'll have so few abortions on the moon!

A world made up of Feminists! Everyone will get equal pay for equal work! It'll be a seed-based economy, but still. 

Aren't you excited to wear all of the skimpy dresses?? No one will interpret our style of dress as a consent to sexual activity! No one will be shouting at us that we should smile, so the moon-streets will be pretty quiet....that might be a little weird at first. But maybe we could bring back the polite-nod-and-hello? You know, since eye contact with a stranger will no longer be a binding contract to sleep with someone? 

We're going to have to learn how to turn seeds into alcohol, too, because I think the amount we'd need would be too heavy for our spaceship. Now we can drink, and if someone does a bad thing to us, it will be because they did a bad thing and not because we had a sangria!

A person can even do the gender-neutral pronouns without people thinking ze's pretentious!

I think this would work out for everyone. Everyone left in America can still pretend that women are sub-humanoid children who neither have nor desire any opinions or rights. And look, no one has to come if they don't want to; and no hard feelings. Contrary to popular myth, Feminism is actually about doing the opposite of force people to do things that aren't right for them. 

Although: misogynists will have to find another type of body as a battlefield to fight their culture wars  upon...maybe we should take all the puppies, just to be safe?

The moon, kids, we should go to the moon.

Or France. 

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