AC-Induced Existential Crises and the Self-Sufficient Single Lady: A Beginner's Guide

Pictured: Malevolence

Congratulations!  You're an Independent Single Lady!  You take care of business when there is such which has needs of which to be taken care!  Throw your hat up in the air.

At some point in your success-twirling dance, you will become very sweaty, and notice that your AC is broken.  Probably your first tip-off will be the screeching death throes of the motor.  So you set to cycling through fan speeds at different tempos to trick it, doing the turn-on-turn-off dance to see if maybe it's just exhausted? And then resort to violence, but only as a last resort because you want your security deposit back some day.

This Is Not A Picture Of Me

Although seriously don't I look good?  Wait, no.

All My Lady Prods Put Your Hands Up!

...No one?  Seriously I'm having a Wilson Phillips Moment and I need a friggin high five over here.

source: TheaterVIP

A Round of Applause For The Rapturers

source: familyradio.com

[Please read before 6pm on Saturday.]

Diagnosis: Bitchface

image credit Michal Marcol via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

OMG you guys, I have Bitchface.

For most of my adult life, complete strangers have been coming up to me and telling me I should be smiling. Always men. Always significantly older. "You should smile, darlin'!"  As if the thought would never occur to me otherwise.

5 Reasons It's Better to Meet Someone in a Bar Than Online

So I've gone and quit eHarmony.  Done.  Finito.  Hundreds of dollars and only one (bad) date later, and I've finally caught on to the fact that taking my money and giving me no matches is a scam.  I only did it, and for as long as I did, because I fell for the argument used by every online dating service, ever:  "who are you ever going to meet in a bar?!?!"  The horror.  "How can you be sure you're compatible with a random stranger who just happens to be in the same place as you on the same day?"  As though choosing the same website--or any at all for that matter--is any different.  But actually, there are lots of things that I can figure out about a guy just by being in the same room as him, that I'd never be able to find out online until it's that point in the awkward first meeting where he says something like, "tell me more about your mischievous and fun personality" and I'm wondering how long I have to sit there before bolting for the door to not come across as too mean.  Behold:

Find Another Reason To Hate Gisele

You mortals with your sunburns and your skin cancer.

She's right about the sunscreen thing. Kinda.

Romeo and Juliet and Kettlebells

I'm currently involved in a love affair with gym equipment.  If you remember my earlier post, you're already aware that I use inanimate objects to fill emotional voids that would otherwise be filled by stable adult relationships.  Oh well, a girl's gotta survive somehow.  So, if Google is my mother, and GMail is my father, then the kettlebell is my boyfriend.

Ma Google

Hey, Guy Whose Son Thinks Your iPhone is His Mother, I can beat that:  I'm actively being parented by Google.

The "Man" Problem

This is not a post about being single.

Well, not completely.

This is about a conversation that I've officially had way too often.  No matter who it's with--coworkers, best friends--it's always eerily similar:

Westboro Church Has Bieber Fever!

The Devil's Haircut!

Justin Bieber, today you are a man.  Not everyone gets singled out by Westboro Church.  Well, just *nerds, soldiers, synagogues, flags (no, that is NOT a typo, it's really flags), people who believe that God loves everybody, kids who go to High School in Milwaukee, and Lady Gaga (and come to think of it what's that sound outside my door?).  But what kind of beef could America's Most Hilarious Hate Group possibly come up with for Justin Bieber?

I Can't Afford to Watch 'Mad Men'

Dear Person Who Signs My Checks: I need a raise.  According to Nielsen Media Research, via The Hollywood Reporter, half of Mad Men's audience makes over 100k a year.   This is newsworthy because, while MM has lower ratings than other more popular cable originals, it's the largest concentration of wealthy viewers. Which means, if you're the kind of advertiser whose target has a certain standard of living, it's like shooting gilded fish in a diamond-encrusted barrel [PS, thank you BMW for the limited commercial interruptions].  As part of the "Other Half," it got me thinking.

'Dynamite' Video: Google Maps Won't Show Me The Chop Shops Where You Can Dance Dance Dance Dance

Just another Hooker Wednesday

The plot: Taio Cruz rides his BMW superbike to an all-lady chop shop, where it happens to be "Hooker Wednesday" (my office doesn't do theme-dress days, so I'm just going to assume that at most auto body shops, Hooker Wednesday is every other week, after Hawaiian Shirt Tuesday).  

He's At It Again!

The What's Eating Leonardo DiCaprio article's teaser made it onto the front cover of Newsweek this week, so I flipped to page 54 and got halfway through without even looking at the byline.  But by then I had pretty much figured out who wrote it.

So THIS is what finally pushed me over the edge to buy Adam Lambert's album:



I know. How did my gym mix live without this for so long? It fits in perfectly with the Slipknot and the Rage. The only downside is that I've started to sweat glitter, which isn't really a downside except that glitter is hard to wipe off a mat.

Two things though:
1. I'm shocked to find out that all these years I've been wearing the wrong amount of leather. Apparently the "right" amount of leather is "everything in Kiss's tour wardrobe at once." Noted.
2. Yes, like all the girls in the club on Surefire Winners, I'm desperate to know where all the pretty boys went. But, Adam, if you have them, and you took them to the place where you got that Battlefield Earth hairdo, you should probably just hold on to them.